freedom, Relationships

The Self-Sufficiency Façade

kristen-quote

“What do I need you for?”

I said those words.

To my husband.

It was the worst thing I’d ever said to him. And it haunts me to this day.

Our marriage was in trouble. Our daughter was a toddler. I was earning six figures working full time, and felt I largely parented alone. My marriage was absent of good communication and growing in resentment. I was a mess emotionally, and probably lacking many hours of sleep. So, I felt compelled to utter those hurtful words; I could juggle it all by myself. I was independent and strong. I didn’t need him.

Of course, that wasn’t true, because being independent also meant I was alone. And self-sufficiency—being able to provide for my needs on my own—is a façade that I’d naively fallen for. I needed my husband like I needed oxygen, and I also needed God.

But I wasn’t humble enough to see that.

I had to accept my desperate need for God’s intervention. Only He could teach me how to love well. He could fill me up so I could demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit to my spouse: love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, and faithfulness (Galatians 5:22).

By God’s grace, we’ve been married fifteen years now and that toddler is fourteen. I found my way through my independent and self-sustaining mindset. With a humble attitude, I accepted my need for my husband and strived for our marriage to get better.

But I also sought Jesus, and thankfully, my husband turned to Him too. This journey together hasn’t made our marriage perfect, full of only joy and peace without impatience or irritations, but it got us committed to the same things—God and each other.

I found out then that I will never not need Jesus.I will never not need Jesus. Click To Tweet My help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:1). And even when times are good, as heirs with Christ and having the Holy Spirit, we find our joy in Him (Romans 14:17). When we seek Jesus, we flourish and can tackle the most difficult obstacles because our God is bigger than our trials. When we seek Jesus, we flourish and can tackle the most difficult obstacles because our God is bigger than our trials. Click To Tweet

Kristen-quote

When we think we can do all on our own, we’re leaving out the biggest Helper of all. Turn to Him and surrender today so you can be free of the stressful drive to be self-sufficient.

Let’s talk about this! Do you need to humbly accept that you can’t go through life without the One who made you? Do you need to humbly accept that you can’t go through life without the One who made you? Click To Tweet

 

Fear of rejection

Developing Deep Friends–Video Devotion

I’ve been hurt, betrayed, and abandoned. I’ve had friends slander me and assume the worst. I’ve simultaneously craved relational intimacy and spurned it.

And I’m not alone in this. So many of us are maintaining surface level friendships, longing to go deeper, to unveil who we truly are and connect with those who love us, flaws and all, but fear of rejection continually gets in our way.

Can I just say, I get it. I understand your longing to be known fully and loved deeply, to find those people who not only get you but promise to stay.

I also know the fear that comes from past hurts. We all have scar tissue, and this distorts our perception. Makes us leery and self-protecting. So we step into new relationships with our running shoes on, ready to bolt at first sign of conflict.

But that only perpetuates the problem, adding hurt upon hurt, defensiveness upon defensiveness. Loneliness upon loneliness.

What if we did this whole friendship thing differently? What if we determined to stay? To push through the hard—to be the type of friend we ourselves long or?

On the night before His death, Jesus gathered His disciples together, and after having told them about all the difficulties that lay ahead—persecution, imprisonment, execution … He prayed that “they would be one” just as He and the Father were one. (John 17:21, ESV)

That’s deep, enduring unity—the kind that goes well beyond the casual friendships so many of us maintain.

To develop the type of unity Jesus prayed for, we need to love as He did. Less than twenty four hours before his execution, He washed the feet, an act normally performed by household servants, of Judas, the very one who would betray Him. Then, shortly after His brutal death, Jesus intentionally sought out Peter, the friend who’d denied and abandoned Him.

His love for them wasn’t dependent on their actions to Him. And He didn’t hold grudges or nurse wounds. When there was a rift, like with Peter, Jesus took the initiative to make things right.

That’s hard, especially when we’ve been hurt, but its oh, so necessary. If we don’t learn to do this, to press through the hard and hold tight to one another, we’ll never experience the deep connectedness our hearts long for.

The next time conflict arises and you’re tempted to self-protect and run away, press in—first to Jesus, and then into the friendship. Learn to hold tight. To work through the hard, surrendering your hurt and heart to Jesus, as you learn to live Wholly Loved.

And if this is an issue you struggle with and an area where you’d like to learn how to walk in deeper freedom, then join us for one of our upcoming Bold and Brave Conferences. You find out more HERE.

women friendsYou can register for our June conference (at Good Shepherd Presbyterian Church in Lincoln on June 23rd) HERE.

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